


Hold It Down

by RyRyCaptain



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blood, Gore, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-06
Updated: 2019-04-06
Packaged: 2020-01-05 22:03:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18374960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RyRyCaptain/pseuds/RyRyCaptain
Summary: When Dan starts self-harming, he hids his scars and prays that Phil doesn’t find out. Phil doesn’t. At least not until Dan relapses.





	Hold It Down

**Author's Note:**

> Tw//self-harm  
> It turned out to be more descriptive than I planned so please read with cation.  
> Based off of Hold It Down by Noah Kahan

Dan doesn’t know why the idea sounds so appealing, but he’s heard of the relief it gives people. He wants some of that relief for himself. It’s stupid, and he knows what comes with it. None of the warnings stop him from picking up the razor though.

Phil’s gone on another trip up north with his family, so Dan is alone. Maybe that’s why he feels so empty. He doesn’t need Phil finding out about this. He doesn’t need the judgment or concern that would come with it. He needs this to be a secret. He needs the scars to be hidden, so he picks his thigh.

He pulls down his joggers to his knees and sits on the cold porcelain toilet seat. He takes a breath and holds it, dragging the blade across the skin of his thigh. His brain clears, and he feels the bittersweet relief. It’s as good as they say it is. All of the bad thoughts leaving his brain, leaving him in a state of euphoria. 

It’s stupid, but he does it again. And again. And again. And again until he has a small collection of cuts running down the side of his thigh. He stares at the blood welling around the cut, and he actually smiles. It’s demented, but he’s happy. 

He deserves the pain that comes when the euphoria leaves. It’s a dull throb that flows through his body, and it feels good. He sits for a few minutes until he realizes he needs to bandage it up.

He sets the razor down onto the counter and grabs the roll of white bandages from the cabinet. He gingerly wraps it around the cuts and pulls his sweatpants back up. It hurts a bit with each step, but it doesn’t bother him. 

——

He doesn’t do it for the rest of that day. It’s supposed to be a one time thing after all. The feeling becomes addicting though, and he can’t go more than a few hours without feeling the urge again. 

Dan does it the next day, not being able to control the need. He feels a bit of guilt this time, but it doesn’t stop the blade from sliding across his skin. Now more scars occupy his leg, and more relief floods his brain. He’s going to stop, at least that’s what he tells himself. 

He does it again the next day. 

When Phil gets back, Dan still doesn’t stop. It’s not everyday, but whenever Phil is out of the flat, Dan uses the blade to add more scars to his leg. The scars start to layer on top of each other, and he eventually starts to do it on the other leg.

When his thighs are covered in scars he still doesn’t stop. It’s been two months and the addiction still hasn’t gone away. 

Then, he realizes in the shower one day how his legs look, and he’s disgusted. He promises himself he’ll stop. He succeeds for the most part, except for a few slip ups in the first month.

He’s clean for three months until it happens again.

——

Dan doesn’t know what triggers it this time, but he wakes up feeling like shit. He feels numb, and the only thing on his mind is the relief he felt all those months ago. He’s desperate for a feeling, so when Phil leaves to get groceries, he meanders into the bathroom and rummages around the cabinet for the razor.

He’s reckless this time. He’s dragging the razor across the thin skin of his wrist and sighing from the relief. Then, the pain starts the pool around the cuts. He hisses at the pain before he realizes what he’s done. He drops the razor the the tile underneath his feet and sinks down. The cool tile grounds him but it doesn’t stop the tears from falling down his cheeks. He doesn’t try to stop them this time.

He sits on the floor, rocking and holding his defaced arm, for a while before he’s called back to his senses by the sound of the front door closing. He doesn’t make an attempt to jump up and scamper for bandages this time. This time he’s going to let Phil know what happened.

A small shout comes from the lounge, but Dan can’t make out what Phil’s saying until he hears footsteps. The same voice calls for him, this time closer to the bathroom. 

Dan makes an attempt to call out to Phil to tell him he is in the bathroom, but Dan’s mouth feels dry and he can’t make a sound. He drops his head onto the wall behind him, and the contact causes a small noise to echo throughout the room. 

Dan hears footsteps again and knows he’s given away his location before he hears the knock on the door. “Dan, are you in there?” Phil’s voice travels through the door.

Dan makes a small noise of acknowledgment because that’s the only thing he is capable of in the moment. “Are you alright?” 

The concern in Phil’s voice is clear now, and Dan has a hard time holding back tears from the guilt that is building inside of him. Dan doesn’t reply this time. He is tired of lying. He’s not okay.

“I’m going to come in, okay?”

Dan nods, forgetting that Phil can’t see him through the door in between them. He hears the door handle click as it opens and sees Phil’s head poke into the bathroom. 

When their eyes meet, Phil lets out a sigh of relief and his face relaxes and a small smile play on his lips before he scans the rest of Dan’s hunched form. Then Phil’s eyes meet Dan’s Write and the small smile flips into a frown. 

“Dan,” Phil says with a hint of concern back in his voice.

“I’m sorry,” Dan croaks out. It’s the first thing he’s said to Phil since he got home.

Phil opens the door all the way at this point and rummages through the cabinet before pulling out the white roll of bandages. He sits next the Dan and silently wraps Dan’s arm up. 

Phil’s tongue pokes out of the corner of his mouth in concentration, his mind focused on not causing Dan more pain. When he’s done, he wraps Dan into a tight hug. “You don’t have to be sorry,” he whispers into Dan’s ear.

Dan buries his face into the space between Phil’s neck and shoulder, holding him tighter, before he starts crying again. He knows Phil’s shoulder is getting wet, but he can’t bring himself to care especially since Phil doesn’t.

Phil rubs slow circle on the younger boy’s back in an attempt to calm him down. It works as Dan’s tears eventually turn into small sniffles and his breathing regulates. Phil pulls back and looks into Dan’s eyes. “Did you do it anywhere else?”

“Not- Not recently,” Dan swallows, his voice still raw from crying.

“Can I see?”

Dan nods slowly before he pulls down his sweatpants to show Phil the slightly faded scars on his leg. Phil runs a finger across them, feeling the raised bumps. Dan hears him suck in a breath. “When did you start?”

“A few months ago, but I stopped. I guess-” Dan pauses, “I guess I’ve relapsed.”

Dan pulls his pants back up and drags his finger across the white bandage around his wrist, the room filling with silence. He can feel Phil’s eyes burning into the back of his head, but he doesn’t say anything.

They sit there for a while. The silence consumes Dan again, and the irrational thoughts flood his brain again. He sits in a state of slight panic until Phil’s voice breaks him out of it. “Why didn’t you tell me.”

Phil’s voice is small and broken this time, and Dan’s heart breaks, knowing that he is the cause. He looks up at Phil and mulls over the question for a second. Why didn’t he tell Phil?

“I guess I thought I handle it alone.”

Because it comes out as more of a question than a statement, Dan knows it’s not very convincing. He looks back down at his wrist. He hears Phil shift before his chin is being lifted up by Phil’s soft hand. Their eyes meet, and Dan can see the sadness that darkening Phil’s eyes.

“Listen to me, Dan. You don’t have to go through anything alone. I’m here for you know matter what. Best friends don’t keep secrets. Especially not ones this big.”

Dan nods. He can already feel the tears welling up in his eyes when Phil wraps him into another hug. They sit there for a while, but this time Dan feels safe in the embrace. All of his worries go away because his best friend doesn’t care about the mistakes he’s made.

—— 

He’s does better with Phil’s support. At first it’s hard to stop again. He craves the relief, and every time he slips up Phil is there always true to his word. He bandages Dan up and let’s Dan cry into his shoulder. 

It takes a few relapses but they work together. Dan doesn’t have to worry about dealing with it on his own anymore, and he’s grateful for that. 

Eventually it stops altogether, although he still feels the urge sometimes. It’s easier to cope now. Sometimes he’ll write or listen to music. Other times he sits with Phil and vents. It’s a good system, and it helps them both.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed my shitty writing. Follow me on Tumblr @ryrycaptain


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